So, “we all know” introverts don’t like small talk (well, I’ve heard it plenty of times!), or as it’s often puyt to me, introverts hate small talk. But, what causes the problem? It’s not that introverts don’t like to like to talk, as they do. This article explores what’s different about smalltalk.
Do introverts hate small talk?
Is there evidence, or is it a myth, that introverts hate small talk? As part of my survey (please complete it yourself) I asked many introverts if they dislike small talk. 73% said “yes”, where only 25% of extroverts dislike it! So we can talk about the degree (hate, dislike, bored with, etc), but the better question is why.
Why do introverts dislike small talk?
Some introverts hate smalltalk, other introverts don’t like small talk. Taking away the strength of feeling, what is is about small talk that introverts don’t like? . The most common answers I’ve heard are:
- Boring and no point: Introverts prefer deeper conversation, normally with a few select friends. Discussion about random irrelevant rubbish serves no point and is boring.
- It’s fake: Small talk, to some is fake. If they’re not interested in connecting with someone, why waste the energy? It’s inauthentic.
- Don’t like big egos: Small talk seem full of mind-numbing egotism, the people who appear to enjoy small talk the most are those that talk for ever, preferring to talk about themselves and their successes. Introverts value humility.
- Too shallow: Introverts prefer a deeper conversation, with a meaningful outcome, which includes relevant details.
- Fear of being caught out: If you don’t know what to say, it’s easy to feel worried about being on the spot. Introverts tend to process thoughts internally, extroverts process externally. In more basic terms, an extrovert is talking in order to process their thoughts, where an introvert needs to stop and think about things. This can lead to feeling bad if the introvert doesn’t have an “instant answer”.
- Energy: Introverts lose energy spending time with people and would rather spend their precious “people energy” doing something more useful (extroverts are the other way round).
- Gets in the way of real conversation: Exchanging pleasantries and chatting about irrelevant stuff to avoid silence doesn’t help you understand your conversation partner – or worse. If all we do is fulfill societies expectation of trivia, small talk gets in the way of “proper conversation”. Psychologist Laurie Helgoe says introverts hate small talk because it creates a barrier between people. Superficial, polite discussion prevents openness, so people don’t learn about each other.
- Deeper meaning: Helgoe again, “Introverts are energized and excited by ideas. Simply talking about people, what they do and who they know, is noise for the introvert.”The introvert is looking for meaning and will get tired trying to find it. Introverts look for deeper meaning, not superficiality.
- Internal processing: Introverts typically want think things through (internal processing) before responding, that’s not being unfriendly or slow witted (but some worry it is). It’s much better to give well thought through points, than quick reactions and misinformation.
- Privacy: Some introverts are private people (as are many extraverts), who don’t like opening up more than they need to.
- Don’t like socialising: Actually, introverts don’t have a dislike of socialising and can socialise productively. However, it’s not their preference; is your issue with small talk about socialising?
- Small talk is boring:
These were the most common responses when discussing small talk. Is there “a reason”, or does it vary depending on the person and the context?
If you’re saying to yourself “I hate small talk” or even “I don’t like small talk” and want to do something about it, the first step is to understand what is it about small talk you don’t like. Then, more importantly, what will you do to manage that?
You may also like to read:
Read more articles on small talk - So you can feel more comfortable, if you need to. Click here.
In this episode of "Activate Your Introvert" I answer the common question - what is an introvert?